The common commuter types

These days I travel less and less in and out of London. I really don't miss the daily grind on the crowded 8.10 train and unbearable underground. Less commuting is better for health, welfare and sanity. 

Over the years I have noticed the following anti-social, unaffable common commuter types:

1. Convoluted ticket codger - It’s rush hour, we’re in line to quickly buy a ticket for the 8.10 and the person in front starts enquiring about the best route, best time to travel and cheapest tickets to Ashby de la Sous in three weeks time. Why chose rush hour to have that conversation?
2. Get on first fella - Don’t wait for people to get off the train or tube, instead just squeeze buy and swiftly nab a seat. Wheelchair, crutches, pram coming off? No problem if you can nip in quickly as the doors are opening.
3. The all mine, mine, my seats man - You’ve seen them. It’s a busy train, we are clearly seeking seats but it’s still okay for them to have a seat for their bag. Not the outside seat, oh no the inside seat, protecting their territory, clutching on to that precious seat, the Gollum of the commuting world.
4. Man spreading geezer - Yes why don’t you sit with your bag between your legs and then have your legs even wider apart. Of course it doesn’t matter that you infringe the personal space of the people next to you and opposite you. It’s their problem if they can’t place their feet in the floor. Of course it’s unreasonable for you to put your bag on the BAG rack.
5. Mobile phone phoney - There is no point trying to have a private phone conversation so yes you may as well speak at max volume. In fact don’t bother to hold the phone to your mouth or use the headset - hold the phone out in front of you with the loud speaker on - everyone will want to hear your thrilling conversation.
6. Loud mouth Larry - Similar to mobile phoney but just has a loud voice that carries all the way along the carriage. Where is he sitting? Doesn’t matter because we can all hear his every word in full Dolby surround sound. Use your indoor voice mate. Lippy kids are the younger version who haven’t been indoctrinated with commuter carriage etiquette.
7. Music yob - Your music is so cool you must share it with the rest of the carriage. Of course fellow commuters are privileged to hear your sic drum 'n' bass tunes first thing in the morning. Or maybe not - just put your headphones on full blast and subject them to the continuous "tss tss" of your inane poorly produced so-called music.
8. Burger Barry - What’s the smelliest food you can buy - yes a greasy burger and fries - that’s exactly what your the rest of the carriage want to smell after a hard day at work.
9. Typhoon Mary - Got a bad cold and cough. No problem you just hack it up all the way to work, no need to cover your mouth or use a handkerchief, that spray on the back of other commuter's necks will do no harm - and anyway they’re bound to catch something soon, it’s inevitable on a crowded commute.
10. Farty Freddy or Freda - They’ll never know if you let rip a few - surely not in a confined crowded space with no ventilation.

No one likes commuting - it’s uncomfortable and stressful at the best of times - we’re all in it together - let’s make it easier on each other people.