Eulogy to Bertie

He’s not dead, Bertie is very much alive and kicking. I’m surprised his wife hasn’t killed him already but that’s another story. Toastmasters* taught me to plan ahead. It’s better to be safe than sorry.

I have mentioned Bertie before. He’s the one who fed me a space cake. He told me it was packed with CDB, the good bit of cannabis. But he neglected to tell me it was full of THC, the hallucinogenic part. I snaffled the whole cake and passed out, I woke up in an alternative universe. I could still be there.

Horrendous Herbs

I’m an educated man, I have three degrees from three universities so why is it that I can be so incredibly stupid. And I don’t mean make tiny mini mistakes I mean massive momentous mistakes that haunt me for all eternity.

We all make mistakes, no matter how clever we think we are. It’s taken me a lifetime to realise that so long as we learn from our mistakes and evolve, it’s really not a big deal. It just seems like it at the time. So, who wants to hear about one of my biggest mistakes? Okay I’ll tell you, but you have to promise what I say stays in this room/blog.

Seeing is not believing

Please don’t try this. But if you close your eyes and flick your eyelid - it hurts, it really hurts. But you will also see a spark. The pressure on the eye causes the receptors in your eye to see a bright light - but there was no light and you had your eyes closed.

Our eyes are deceiving. Hundreds of optical illusions demonstrate how our eyes can be deceived. When my son was a toddler, he was particularly fond of his toy elephant. I took him to the zoo enclosure at Whipsnade and he held his toy elephant up to those in the far distance. Suddenly three elephants paraded past us on their daily walk. My son was shocked and burst into tears. He received a swift lesson in depth perception that day. He was totally traumatised, but a lesson, nonetheless. But close one eye and your own depth perception will also falter. That is also why one-eyed pirates continuously crashed their ships.