I have mentioned Bertie before. He’s the one who fed me a space cake. He told me it was packed with CDB, the good bit of cannabis. But he neglected to tell me it was full of THC, the hallucinogenic part. I snaffled the whole cake and passed out, I woke up in an alternative universe. I could still be there.
Today I want to focus on Bertie’s numerous ailments. For starters, he has a Kidney infection. I asked him how he was getting on with the prescribed antibiotics. He told me that he stopped taking them after two days because they didn’t work. You can’t reason with Bertie.He also has Gout, he’s had it for years. Gout is very treatable, but Bertie refuses the medicine. Bertie’s solution is Hof breathing and cold showers. Yo can’t reason with Bertie. Do you know about Hof breathing? It’s not the Hoff, David Hasselhoff, but the Wim Hof method.
As biking buddies, we regularly go away and share a room. Bertie would start his Hof breathing at 6 am. He wears headphones listening to whale sound, but the room is shaking with his deep breathing. God knows what the neighbours think. He then finishes of with a cold shower. At home he has a jacuzzi that he fills with ice. Apparently Hof breathing and ice-cold showers are good for gout and kidney infections. You can’t reason with Bertie.
Bertie’s worst, and most obvious ailment, is his unfeasibly large testicle, just the one. It’s been getting worse over time. First it looked like he had a watermelon in his pants, but then it got really big, huge, ginormous.
Technically it’s called a hydrocele. The testicular tubes get blocked, and the sac fills with liquid. I suggested he got his wife to bite it, to pierce it, but apparently, she didn’t fancy that. I won’t tell you what she said to me, but it ended in “off”. You can’t reason with Bertie’s wife.
Bertie’s big bollock became a bit of a hindrance when biking. Initially he couldn’t sit down. But then it started flapping around and occasionally caught in the chain.
Bertie likes Barcelona, so we went there together on holiday. We planned to go to the beach, but Bertie was embarrassed by his gigantic gonad. I told him to paint it orange and draw a smiley face on it, and pretend he was carrying a space hopper. Problem is it only had one horn, so he went around in circles. He also didn’t fancy the little Spanish boys asking if they could ride on his space hopper.
Bertie finally got his hydrocele drained after two years, but it has come back bigger than ever. The gout and kidney infection also remain with a vengeance. Also, you won’t be surprised to hear he is an anti-vaxxer, so we now can’t bike overseas together. You can’t reason with Bertie.
Toastmasters teaches us that a speech must have a purpose. The moral here is simply to listen to advice – from a range of experts and from your friends, and not just Facebook conspiracy theorists. Sometimes we think we know better but just don’t have all the answers. I am off to see if I can reason with Bertie so I don’t have to present his eulogy.
* Toastmasters International is an organisation that helps improve public speaking.
Bloody Bertie, you can't reason with him.
ReplyDelete